Always one to keep my human on its toes, I almost cut my squashed Persian nose off to spite my furry face. I am so into cheese it’s scary.

I am obsessed by it. I can sense the fridge door being opened from two rooms away and will raise myself from my slumber and paddle as quickly as my funny little legs and out turned ankles will let me, being slowed down now and again when I fall over.

When cheese is being brought out the human will always slice a sliver off and offer it to me. I will sniff it for ages, just enjoying the chuffling moment before I snap at it and wumpf, it’s gone. Then it’s back to pleading with my big eyes and silent meows for more as I plodge round in ever decreasing circles, my tail dragging behind me.

If the human is slobbing around (as usual!) watching TV with a bottle of red wine and a lump of cheese, rest assured that I am in close proximity supervising and giving her a very hard, industrial stare.

Something new was bought out from the shopping bags this afternoon from Shindy’s Costcutter down the road (I love Shindy’s Costcutter; I get reduced price chickens when they are at the end of their shelf life!). A plastic tube with a picture of a mouse on it appeared. When the top was unscrewed the tube was offered to me and a gloopy, creamy lump started to emerge as the tube was squeezed. It was cheese, in a tube. Quite amazing! I’d not seen anything like this before. I took a sniff. It smelt quite interesting, but I knew with my wobbly head and shaky body that as soon as I started to lick, it would end up smeared all over my face and whiskers. Then when I fell over, it would be on the carpet and end up on the rest of my fur which would probably mean another b.a.t.h so I made an executive decision, I wasn’t even going to try to lick it. I turned tail and wandered off leaving the human quite puzzled.

The ginger gut-trick then presented himself in the kitchen as a starved wretch. He too was offered the tube and just went mad. He licked and licked at the cheese, then licked and licked his mouth for ages after he’d swallowed the stuff. It's a wonder his tongue didn't fall off with all that licking!

Soon it turned into a party piece as the ginger idiot was shown the tube and would drool then he would start lapping and lapping at the tube as he tried to slurp all the cheese in it! He then sat on human laps when people came to visit Tom Cat Towers and as a cabaret trick he was offered the tube which was squeezed and he just lapped and licked. He was passed from human to human as they took great fun in feeding the ginger loon cheese from a tube. I've never known humans laugh so much!

I was offered the tube again several times and had a little sniff. I was desperate to have some, but really had to restrain myself, but no way was I eating from the same tube as the halitosis horror who'd left fur and dribble all round the nozzle..

Willi’s version

Tube cheese. Another brilliantly great invention by humans.

Dippi isn’t so keen but I can sit for ages as a human just shovels it down my neck. My licking just goes into overdrive I can't get enough and I can't get it quick enough. I know I look incredibly stupid, my tongue going mad licking cheese and whiskers but when humans come round to Tom Cat Towers to see my party piece, as long as they’re squeezing cheese, I’ll be there!! I just hope Dippi doesn’t get a taste for it!

  

Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)

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