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Let me introduce myself. I is a cat called Bumble – and I is not fat, I is fluffy.

However, my two-legs dad Jem was told – by someone at ‘the place of smells’ (AKA the vet’s) – that I is overweight and I needs to go on a diet.

HOW DARE THEY! A certain level of plumpity is perfectly natural for a big-boned cat such as what I am myself, as it happens.

And what is more, I is needing the extra padding for insulation on cold rainy days where I lives. You wouldn’t want me for catch pneumoniatitis now, would you? I is six years of old – so I needs me padding!

My two-legs dad Jem is also trying to lose some of his padding, apparently. Though he seems to have as much plumpity as he always has – and he’s not even fluffy!

At least he understands that the first thing he should do early every morning is feed me and my sister Honey – but she is smaller than what I am, so she can wait. I should be first up for food! Because I is the fluffiest cat in this house. So it’s only fair really.

But some days, my dad tells me he needs a ‘cup of tea’ (whatever that is!) first, before he feeds me. Well, talk about incondiderative! And I thought dogs were rude and doolally!

Fortunately, my very loud miaow-miaow-miaowing means my dad usually gives up on that idea and feeds me first – which is only proper and right. It is what is known as MANNERS. Some two-legs don’t have them at all. ALL two-legs ALWAYS need regular reminding of the natural order of things. After all, we cats is the superior species. We should not have to wait. Ever!

By the way, my dad Jem always calls me ‘he’ even though I is clearly a she! He says it’s because I behaves in the way what a tom-cat does. Well, how would he know, as a two-legs? As all cats know, all two-legs know nothing about we cats, though they always seems to think they knows everything! Two-legs is so funny sometimes, they really is! A bit thick, but funny.

But anyway, he calls Honey a she – so if he calls me a he, at least he can tell us apart, he says. Though I is a fully black cat and my sister Honey is half-tabby and half-tortie, which is why she is such a diva, my dad says. I isn’t gonna tell you all the things he calls me!

Back to the ‘diet’ which apparently me and my two-legs dad Jem is on now. Well, it means I no longer gets a big bowl full of biscuits to nibble at all night long. That means I is SO hungee in the morning, I’s gotta eat one whole pouch of food AT LEAST to recoverate from the starvation overnight – and sometimes two, which my dad says is my daily limit. Another reason why I is always to be fed first thing every morning!

My dad says he has given up bread and many other disgusting things two-legs eat, to lose some of the flabby weight he is carrying, but he still eats a lot – WAY more than I does! I is now watching him to see if he loses any weight.

Me, I is not fat, I is fluffy, as I has already told you.

So I gets round the ‘diet’ my dad has put me on – in my own cat genius ways, like what we all does.

Believe me: there is ways and means, for a feline.

There is always ways and means…

If you knows how, like.

Bumble and Dad, Jem Vanston