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My retirement from a hectic life in service into Tom Cat Towers all went very smoothly. My new personal staff, Maid, in her new uniform, was on hand anxiously scanning the street for my chauffeur driven car to arrive. I was an hour late and she was frantic.

Who's that handsome chap who keeps staring back at me?I was impressed with the big brass bed with the designer duvet that I will be stretched out on whilst Maid is in attendance. She lies on a very small part of the bed as I need my space. The mirrored wall in the bedroom is just amazing. I lie and look at the handsome chap who stares back at me for hours. He is always there just looking back at me with a twinkle in his eye!

I now have a brother, Gabion, who spent the first ten Reggie and Gabiondays following me round, ears back just yowling at me.  Not sure what he hoped to achieve, but everyone ignored him. He jumped on the bed for a chat with me one morning and soon became my best friend. He was with me when I went to inspect my new gardens. We walked cheek to cheek like young male lions on the Savannah as he showed me the collection of catnip Maid has collected on her travels all round the world.

I sit on a big fluffy blanket on the arm of a chair and watch TV with Maid as she plies me with tempting treats and grooms me.

Retirement is perfect. Life is perfect.  Except for one thing …

Chav Cat.................

Chav Cat in the gardenChav Cat is a very old, very bad tempered, very porkie tortie who grumbles, swears, spits and hisses all the time, and I mean all the time. She never stops. She is just a massive furball of foul-breathed aggression.

Gabion, just for fun, goads her which makes her even more sweary. He slithers up to her when she’s not looking and has a sneaky sniff of her pelt which sends her into a cloud of spitting bad-breathed bad language as she flails at him, killer claws extended. Not that she will ever catch Gabes, he’s too quick!

Chavvers is most definitely not a ‘lady’ I wish to tangle with. The ladies I mingled with when I was in service as an upmarket stud, were the creme de la creme. Their pedigrees and breeding went back centuries. They were dainty, groomed to perfection and their manners perfect. They were a delight to meet after first being assessedm matched and introduced properly as per the social circles I mixed within. I thought all lady cats were just that…. Ladies. The ladies I socialised with pecked very delicately at their kibbles and gourmet cat food.

Chav catChav Cat snorks them down like an industrial hoover. She doesn’t chew them and I don’t think they hit the sides as they continually pour down her fat throat to expand the lardy saddles round her bottom and saggy tummy!!  She lies on her back like a grounded seal, snores and dribbles - most unladylike.

Chav Cat looks like an explosion in a kitten factory - there are so many different sorts and colours of pelt on her. Father, or fathers’ unknown. (She cannot even put her paw on her birth certificate!!). She is as rough as a bad tempered old bear. She has let herself go somewhat since arriving in Tom Cat Towers. She is as fat as she is long. She comes in from forays into the garden covered in twigs, leaves, slugs and other assorted wildlife. The neighbourhood cats are in fear of her as she is a professional thumper and will use her paws to box anything with fur that dares to set paw in our garden.

Sadly, she has fallen for me. She makes doe eyes at me, and follows me round trying to sniff me. She chirrups in a very rasping growl at me in what she hopes is a seductive manner.  Sadly, her social skills and background are lacking. She has even had a clutch of illegitimate, rather ugly kittens after a night out on the catnip.

Clearly, she recognises class, but she is batting well above her very considerable bulk. I have no intention of making kittens with her and am soooo glad I was neutered before I came here!

What is really worrying is that she has now started to lie on the big brass bed which Maid and I sleep on. She lies on her back like a scabby walrus with her dirty paws on display snoring like a warthog. If she thinks I’m snuggling up to her she has another think coming. I am off the bed before my paws have hit the duvet when I see that lying there waiting for me!

Thankfully Maid shoves her off the bed, but it’s a bit of an effort. Chavvers is so heavy it takes considerable effort to pick her up and evict her bulk from the bedroom in a haze of bad-tempered squeaking and chuntering. If she piles any more weight on Maid will need a crane to lift her onto the floor.

I need a plan to deal with this one!!

Lord Reginald Desmond Vagabond of Tom Cat Towers

A Cats Purr

"Cats make one of the most satisfying sounds in the world: they purr ...

A purring cat is a form of high praise, like a gold star on a test paper. It is reinforcement of something we would all like to believe about ourselves - that we are nice."

Roger A Caras