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At the mature age of 12, with a clutch of illegitimate kittens behind me, and having been passed through several homes, personal hygiene or grooming has never really been something I have majored on.

I never thought it would happen, but it has. I have fallen in love. I am like a young girlie cat on heat whenever, oh be still my beating heart, ‘HE’ comes into the room. He occupies my every waking thought. But he doesn’t seem to notice that I exist.

He is beauty personified. Perfection on paws. Impeccable pedigree, superb manners, show-cat looks. He is aged 5 years, the perfect age to be my toy-tom. His pelt has purple tips which enhance his golden orange eyes, it flows seductively as he runs. His whiskers glint with seductiveness. He has been here at Tom Cat Towers less than 4 months, but I am utterly besotted.

Lord Reginald Desmond Vagabond of Tom Cat Towers is the object of my desire. He is constantly in my thoughts, I follow him round chirruping and purring at him. I lie, just gazing cow eyed at the cloud of gorgeousness that is Reggie. I dream of him. I am obsessed.

I worship every pawfall he takes. I have tried so many times to make myself alluring to him, without success. He is an ex-show and ex-stud cat, so he clearly knows how to court and seduce lady cats. His diet and grooming regimes ensures that he is in tip top condition. He has a penchant for chicken yoghurt and hand-fed kibbles, slivers of chicken and cheese. Stuff I wouldn’t touch, as I like quantity over quality, every time. I can shovel 10 cheap kibbles into my mouth as he elegantly picks up one epicurean biscuit at a time or is hand fed individual treats from the upper end of the gourmet market to keep his athletic, ex-stud cat physique.

I invited him to sample my cheap kibbles which I eat by the kilo, but he wasn’t impressed.

I have given him love gifts, the last being a mouse, which I dropped at his paws. He pretended not to notice my offering as he nonchalantly padded, tail up and yawning, back into the house. I followed him briefly, then went back to eat the mouse. I’m not one to waste a good snack!

I was lying on the bed, asleep. I snored so loudly I woke myself up and rolled over catching sight of myself in the mirror. Oh dear, I do seem to have let myself go, a teensy tiny bit.

I do appear to have put a few few grams of weight on. My pelt could do with a bit of a groom. I need a mogicure, remove the dried mud from between my paws, and my ears need a good clean out. But more importantly, I need to sort my teeth out. As I put my paw to my mouth, I caught a wisp of my breath. It could fell a horse and my fangs are rather unattractive shade of yellow.

Clearly, I need to take myself in paw, and make myself attractive to Reggie, to slim down and get up to the standard of lady cat that Reginald used to making kittens with, when he was a high-class stud. So, I immediately booked myself into Park House Vets and presented myself for a beauty assessment with Katie, who gave me a thorough inspection and we decided that to start my beautification process I need a bit of dental treatment to clean up my teeth, and get back my fang-dazzle in an attempt to impress and attract Reggie.

Then I start my diet, grooming programme, spa and other beauty treatments to win Reggie’s affections. I will be a new and sexier cat when I’m done!  Katie has booked me in for dental surgery. I am so excited. How can Lord Reggie resist me when I’m primped, pampered and transmogrified into a Moggess-Goddess!!!

I’ll let you know how I get on ...

Chav Cat

ASBO holder for thumping other cats

Tom Cat Towers