Dear Squirt

Maid has got a screw loose. She bought me a toy boy. He is 7 months and I am 15 years old.

I did give him a welcome kiss, just to welcome him here to Tom Cat Towers!! But to be honest I have no time for boys.

What am I going to do with a toy boy?

Any ideas?

Dumpty

 

Dear Dumpty,

Oh dear me, you’ve been landed with an uninvited house guest, this is bad news indeed.  When will our staff ever learn not to interfere?  They consistently misread situations, then they change things and never think to consult us.  Actually in my experience they never think at all.  The sad fact is, you’re going to have to cope with the incomer’s presence because, believe me, your maid is not going to change her mind.  I’ll willingly bet my new jingly hedgehog toy that she is already completely besotted with the critter; it has been parachuted in and will not under any circumstances be evicted.  Let’s see if I can be of any help to you.

Firstly, I must point out that TB (Toy Boy) didn’t ask to be a part of your household, your maid chose him but that doesn’t necessarily mean she would have been his first choice.  Obviously your maid thought you might be lonely and would appreciate a friend.  Now, this may or may not be true but a seven-month old youth isn’t perhaps the best companion for a lady of…. ahem…. advancing years.  But you have experience on your side!  Your main coping strategy must be to ignore TB’s presence as much as possible and when need be to put him firmly in his place.   I’m sure you are proficient in all the necessary skills:

1.      Should the need arise you must give TB a swift clout round the ear when nobody is looking.  Then switch straight into ‘wide-eyed and innocent’ mode.

Squirt hiding2.      You have the advantage of knowing your home intimately so hiding yourself away from the youth should be no problem.  The bonus here is that your maid won’t know where you are either, and it’s quite satisfying to worry our staff now and then.

3.      If all else fails, sleep.  This is something all cats are masters of and when we are napping there is nothing in the world that can disturb or disrupt our slumber.

This should help you over the initial period of adjustment.  But you know, it isn’t necessarily all bad.

TB is only a youngster and will probably want to spend a lot of time outdoors having adventures so you should be able to get plenty of ‘me time’ (do not spend this time making a fuss of your maid, she has wronged you and must not be allowed to forget it).  Another thing, I’m pretty sure that the arrival of TB will coincide with a boost in the supply of toys and treats in your house so take advantage of said goodies whenever you can.  It won’t be difficult to make your maid feel guilty and if you do this she will spoil you rotten!  One final point: winter is fast approaching.  As the days get shorter and the weather gets colder you just might find that you are happy to have a friend around to curl up with and keep warm with.

In conclusion, I suggest that during TB’s initial settling in period you take every opportunity to assert your authority.  Ensure that he knows you are ruler of the household and that he learns to abide by your laws.  Don’t forget to change the rules if you sense TB is beginning to feel too comfortable around you; always keep him guessing.  When you are confident that TB knows he is your inferior you can begin to turn the situation round (don’t forget, confusion is good) and make allowances.  Share a bit of food with him, have the occasional game if you feel like it, allow him co-occupancy of the sofa on a cold night.  Eventually the two of you should learn to live in harmony and, you never know, given time you may even become friends!

Dumpty, I hope you find my advice and suggestions helpful.  Please let me know how it goes!

Your friend

Squirt

PS – If you are looking for a more suitable toy boy I know of a particularly handsome red Somali who is nearly seven years old and rather keen on the ladies.  He is an eligible bachelor with his own detached country residence and live-in staff.  If you are interested, please contact me via these pages and I will give you my phone number put you in touch with him.

 

Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)

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