Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the lardiest cat of all?Since my retirement 18 months ago, I have really enjoyed my life here at Tom Cat Towers. I have my stupid bruv - Gabion Tzchugge - who I cuddle up to on the bed for long snoozes and spend hours chasing round the house play fighting.

When the sun shines and our human is around, we race round outside across the lawn and through the cat nip bushes like two lions out for adventure.

The food here is top notch. So much so that I always seem to have my snout in the trough and have picked up the nickname ‘Porkie Boy’, which is rather rude. I have always considered myself to be at the peak of my prime, especially just after I retired from my hectic life as a stud and champion show cat.

As I ambled past the wardrobe mirrors, I did acknowledge that I had a bit of a waddle and a slightly biscuit barrel tummy. The decision was made that I would have to fitten up, lose the fat just in case I was ever recalled to my former life.

So, my stand by call back to stud cat duty regime has commenced. I spend more time launching my bespoke, handmade catnip toys (which my human Exec P.A. bought from Strawberry Persian and Pedigree Cat Rescue) into the air. I am now world champion at ping pong ball chasing. I have a collection of about 30 secreted about the house for me to suddenly crouch down, shake my bootilicious bottom from side to side as my eye widen in focus, ears forward, then hurl myself at the ball for a five minute breathless thrash round.

At 6am in the morning when I thunk onto the bed and crawl onto my human’s chest for a snuggle and purr out the day’s itinerary, treats are now restricted no matter how pathetically I mew and drool.

Each day while human has dinner, I take myself for an evening constitutional by having a poddle down the garden and back so that I don’t sit and wait, staring hard at her for scraps.

Skitty gingeWe have garden guests. Skitty Ginge - a stray who has rolled up for over 5 years twice a day to be fed. He’s a bit rough so I’m not allowed out when he comes. I sit and look through the window at him as he eats.

We also have Kippy, the cat from the bottom of the garden, but he’s a bit too big for me to play with.

But as part of my standby for recall to stud cat duties, we have a new chap in the garden for me to chase round and lose the weight.

Krupnik the squirrel. He just arrives on the lawn like a grey ghost and spend all day in the garden burying the mountain of nuts and bits of stuff that the human has specially collected for him. He is very cheeky. He comes right up to the window and looks in at me, waving conkers at me. I get into such a rage. It’s game on as I race out onto the patio, all four paws flailing, and zoom across the lawn. Krupnik zig zags, flicks his tail and scampers all round the garden with me in hot pursuit. We both know that I haven’t a cat in hell's chance of catching him. Then suddenly he jumps on the fence and chatters and laughs at me as I slope back inside to catch my breath.

KrupnikWe do this several times a day, all part of my fitness plan. Clearly Krupnik is my personal trainer! At the end of the day, as the sun sets we both sit quite near to each other, him chuntering and me enjoying the last of the day’s rays on my whiskers. Next day, after my 6am purrs and rumbles with my human on the bed, I’m back at the patio window in the dark, waiting for my personal trainer to arrive with the autumn sunshine in my garden again.

So far, my weight loss plan is working.

I’ve lost a gram!!

Till the next time.


A Cats Prayer

Lead me down all the right paths,
Keep me from fleas, bees, and baths.
Let me in should it storm,
Keep me safe, fed, and warm.