Dumpty, the royal snot-box is in a right regal mood.

She loves being clamped to the new duvet on the bed. She doesn’t mix with Wills and I, as clearly we are a breed far beneath her self-appointed-up-her-own-bottom grandness. She spends all day on the bed, even being fed expensive kibbles there so that she doesn't have to venture into the kitchen and join the big ginger twit and I. But occasionally she does get moved off the bed, for example, when the bedding gets changed.

Today was such a day.

Normally she is gently lifted to preserve the royal energy, and placed on a chair in the front room where she can look outside the window at ‘her’ blackbird collection. I just cannot understand how she hates, absolutely hates, going outside. What cat does not enjoy the wonderful feeling of damp grass under the paw pads or having a good grub round in the dirt looking for worms and insects?. Clearly that one isn’t wired right.

This morning the Lulu Guinness duvet cover and sheets were to be changed, so old snooty pantaloons was hoicked off the bed and, as it was such a fabulously sunny day, plonked outside on the patio where the birds come to feed. She was most offended by this and went and sat in the bird watching hut. This is an old toilet contraption which Dumpty brought with her when she first moved into Tom Cat Towers. It is enclosed so she could go in and no-one could see what her silliness was doing in there. It was rather large and took over a huge space in the kitchen, but as Madam was used to it, it came with her along with a load of other royal baggage (AKA rubbish!).

The human thought it was a most ridiculous thing and promptly put it in the garden at the back of the shed out of sight. Dumpty now has to use a grit box like the rest of us riff-raff! Over time Dumpty’s plastic toilet pod gradually made its way onto the patio and became stuffed with old jumpers so Wills and I can snoozle in it when we are outside and if it’s raining on days when the human isn’t around, usually when she's at the place called 'work'.

So with much huffing, her majesty climbed into the plastic pod and sat there, face like a sour rat, waiting impatiently for the human to tidy the bedroom, finish room service and let her back inside again. As soon as the patio window is opened, Dumpty emerged from the plastic pod and, with much bad grace, to make the point, stomped back to the bed.

Willi’s version

Why does the human pander to the royal floozy pants?

There is absolutely no point to that cat, if indeed she is a genuine cat! She is totally unsociable, she even gets fed from a crystal bowl on the bed. She never sits on the human’s lap, she just lies snoozing on the bed and yet the human completely and utterly dotes upon her. I’m not allowed in the bedroom in case I upset Dumpty’s ‘delicate and nervous disposition’ If I come upon her by chance, she spooks and runs off, ears back, eyes big with fright (needless to say I spook her at every opportunity I can!!) That cat could do with toughening up.

A smile did play around my whiskers today when the grey flooze was shoved outside for about ten minutes where she took shelter in her old toilet pod with a right grump on her face Even Dippi can’t understand what the point is of the human having a cat who isn’t a cat.

The Very Best Toy for Cats

"Of all the [cat] toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled, and it makes a noise when you jump on it."

Stephen Baker

Sponsored Advert