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Gabion and forkI was determined to carry on with Dumpty’s project to make my human fit and thin. I knew that this was going to be an uphill struggle as my human loves food. Not just food, but lots of it. Mainly the stuff that’s wrong for her, bad for her, and stuff she shouldn’t eat, in quantities that are far too bad for her. However, I was up for the challenge,

I now know my human wasn't. It was all words and no willpower.

I tried everything to stop her eating, and lose a couple of stone. I even resorted to sneaky tricks, such as hiding her fork so she couldn’t eat. Not to be defeated, she just used her fingers.

Basically, I didn’t just lose the battle, I lost the entire war. The attempts to encourage my human to lose weight have failed. The ‘get fit for The Arctic’ was a complete and utter waste of time. She is still as podgy as when she started this doomed from the start plan. I think that when she gets to the Arctic, they will think another bull seal full of blubber has landed.

I thought about exercise, getting her to run around the garden or across the carpet, burn off a few calories whilst she played with me. But she just bought an exercise mouse and sat in her chair waving the stick with the mouse at the end of the piece of string for me to jump around at while her feet were up, red wine in the other hand and a large bowl of pork scratchings plonked in her lap, for her to dip into to keep the munchies at bay.

She went on a cruise with the best intention in the world to live for two weeks just on fruit and veg. She was going to jog around the deck at least ten times each morning and to walk past the all you can eat buffet then carry on to the restaurant where portions are controlled.

Instead she walked past the restaurant and straight into the all you can eat buffet as many times as she could. And, firm believer in value for money that she is, ensured she had her money’s worth with each tray full of meals! One dessert was never enough when there were several to sample!

Jogging round the deck was down-sized on day one to an amble to the nearest steamer chair to flop into for a read and a snooze, and the fruit and veg was replaced by daily cream teas and midnight buffets.

Captain’s Cocktail Parties, whereby she was going to be restrained, was a farce. The fully laden champers and nibbles tray never progressed past her table

She went on as a passenger and came off as cargo. Thank goodness all her clothes were Lycra and elasticated!!

Chav Cat slurping sideways from her bowlChav Cat too has piled on the grams. Her tummy scrapes the floor and flops from side to side as she waddles. The cattery was instructed to cut down on her kibbles whilst the human was away, but a fortnight of lying on her back snoring, with no exercise, meant no weight loss. She is now too lazy to stand up and drink from her bowl, but lies on her side, pokes her head in and just slurps.

I feel that my human has let herself down badly, and Chav Cat is just a porker.

I have thrown in the towel. I was onto a loser from the start and I have a sneaky feeling that Dumpty knew this too and is probably at Rainbow Bridge, laughing her whiskers off.

Gabion Tzchugge
Tom Cat Towers

Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)