When we are assigned to a human (and the Great Cat in the Sky decides who goes where) there is a briefing where we are given as much information about the human in question as possible. This is to make our transition to the earthly world as simple as it can be. There are Rules and Regulations that we feline angels try to adhere to in order to make our designated human’s life as stress free as we can manage. Of course, some humans thrive on stress while others, sadly, let stress get the better of them and heart attacks or strokes occur – and sometimes the human leaves his or her earthly body and ascends as a result.
So let me give you a heads up on Feline Cat-tiquette – or Rules and Regulations to ensure your human gets the best possible life they can under your roof.
All relationships are based on trust. If that trust is ever broken then usually the relationship sours and in the case of a human/feline relationship, the cat will choose to be an angel to another, more deserving human. If the human tries their best to repair the damage and restore good will between themselves and the feline, then in exceptional circumstances the feline may decide to stay. But a note has been made in the Big Book that only the Great Cat in the Sky sees and a decision may well be made in the future to terminate the current assignment.
Part of a feline’s assignment is to ensure the human lives a long and healthy life. This can be difficult, especially in the current climate of computers, iPads, mobile phones and technology in general. A lot of what a human does is with their thumbs in the sitting position. It’s very hard to get a human to move from the sofa to the kitchen – for example – without their mobile being Velcroed to their ear.
To enable more mobility in the human, sometimes shock tactics are employed, and although the movement can be speedy, noise levels often rise in proportion to the shock. This is a tactic that will usually only work once so the feline will only employ it when he has reached desperation stakes.
A dead mouse, or indeed, a deceased anything – left casually by the side of the bed – or perhaps, inside the slipper for maximum shock – is the ideal item to get your human moving. Make sure you are several gardens away so that the high pitched screaming can’t perforate your ear drums but try to install CCTV cameras to catch the foot going into the slipper and the human jumping up and down with a deceased mouse dangling from their big toe. This can work to your advantage later when you submit the video to ‘You’ve been framed’ and you can earn yourself £250. Not bad for a night’s work!
Manners maketh the feline
Most cats are blessed with an inane sense of decorum and possess absolutely strict rules of behaviour. Thus when your human is going downstairs – having removed the deceased mouse from the big toe – allow them to go down a few stairs first, and then rush in front of them. This serves two purposes: 1: you are making sure there is no danger at the foot of the stairs – i.e: like marauding intruders, for example, or zombies – because apparently, according to my friends on Twitter, all felines have a duty to watch out for zombies #zombiewatch; and 2: your human may wobble a bit as you fly past them and that teeny tiny bit of exercise in trying to steady themselves from falling down the rest of the stairs – and the cold sweat that they break into – will help them burn dozens of calories.
When your human finally reaches the bottom of the stairs, remember to wind yourself around their legs and ankles as they try to get into the kitchen. They love this interaction between us and if they fall into a heap before they’ve got your breakfast, sit on their face and allow a nice loud tuna burp to erupt as a sign of your love and adoration.
No doors shall ever be closed
Humans have some very strange habits and one of them is going into a little room and closing the door. What goes on in there we can only hazard a guess at but the cleverer feline will have found a way to get the door open to surprise the human. The human can be engaged in a sitting position (some humans stand) but it’s important to let them know that you are there, on guard against the likelihood of nuclear war or Avon calling and that you are ever ready to attack, if the need arises.
Sometimes the human may well be reclining in an oblong shaped dish with a lot of water and perhaps some bubbles in. The caring feline will perch – at his own discretion – to test the water temperature to ensure that his human isn’t going to be boiled alive. If the human’s eyes are closed, to test if they haven’t already been boiled alive, it’s prudent to touch the big toe which is usually resting by the tap. A little tap is enough to wake the human and provoke an outpouring of strange sounds none of which the feline would do well to listen to.
Make a hasty retreat and wait outside the door for the human to calm down.
It can be a source of amusement to the feline, but not necessarily to the human, if you take the towel with you as you flee the outpouring of expletives. Then, of course, a certain Law will be invoked and a knock on the front door will mean that the human has to answer it with just a flannel to cover their modesty. It must be stressed that the feline should be somewhere where he cannot be seen – under the table or behind the television – where he can laugh to his heart’s content and watch as the human’s buttocks go redder than his face.
There are more rules and regulations which I’ll share with you another time. In the meantime, I hope these will help you live in peace and contentment with your chosen human. And remember, if you do happen to accidentally break your human, there are plenty more available.
Love Casey xx