I was resting in the best chair, I closed my eyes and fell into a deep slumber…….

……….. I am Catman, Gotham Kitty.  My mission?  To fight evil, corruption, crooks and hoodlums and foil attempts at world domination.  The alarm sounded signifying an urgent message to the catcave.  Holy Smoke!  Things were hotting up in downtown Gotham.  An army of evil cats were on the brink of overthrowing the city governors and seizing power.  Hurry Catman!  I needed to get to the scene and I needed to get there fast. 

I donned my catcape and mask, there was no time to struggle with tights with the future of Gotham at stake!  There was not a second to lose.  I leapt into the catmobile and raced towards to scene of the crime.  My progress was slowed by waves of terrified citizens fleeing for their lives.  They gasped when they saw me and I knew that my presence gave them hope.  A small girl shouted, “Please hurry, Catman!  You’re our only chance!”  Holy Moly!  I had to succeed, how could I let that poor child down?

I needed to get a good view of the scene.  I engaged a lever turning the catmobile into the catplane, fired up the afterblasters and zoomed skywards.  As I soared over City Square I saw battalions of evil cats, armed and helmeted, marching towards the city headquarters.  Jeepers Creepers!  I knew who was behind this, my old adversary Catwoman who lives only to destroy and is malevolent to her very core.  Holy Mackerel!  What was I going to do?  I looked at the controls at my disposal but I had to think quickly.  Flame thrower?  A glance at the wind gauge told me that was too risky, I couldn’t chance endangering civilians.  Water cannon?  Possibly, but I had another ace up my sleeve.  I banked sharply and flew towards the city limits.  My destination?  A quarry just outside Gotham.  I took the plane into a steep dive, hit hover control and lowered the grabscoops secreted in the belly of the plane.  Using these I scooped up several tons of gravel and flew back to the scene of the crime.  Catwoman, you will never succeed while I, Catman, have breath in my body!

I flew over City Square, opened the scoops and released gravel onto the dastardly army below.  Even over the roar of the engines I could hear the plaintive cries of the catsoldiers as the gravel hit them, pinging off their ridiculous little helmets.  As I turned for a second pass I was rewarded with the sight of Catwoman’s army in disarray, every cat for himself as they fled for shelter from my stony bullets.  Holy Schmoly!  They had been so close to the steps of City Hall that I knew I had acted not a moment too soon.

I knew that Catwoman would have had an escape plan and that, by now, she would be far beneath the city having abandoned her soldiers to my attack.  I knew she would return to fight another day but, for now, the citizens of Gotham could return to their daily lives and sleep safely in their beds at night.  I turned the catplane back into the catmobile and drove back to base rewarded by the sight and sound of grateful citizens.  “Oh thank you Catman, you are our hero, without your help we would have lost everything!”  Their gratitude was all the reward I needed.

As I nosed the catmobile slowly back into the catcave I allowed myself a small smile of satisfaction.  Tired but happy with the outcome of my mission to save Gotham, I climbed the steps to my secret cat flap.  When I was sure the coast was clear I entered the living room and stopped by the food bowl for a snack.  Then I clambered onto the best chair, closed my eyes and fell into a deep slumber…….

Catman, Gotham Kitty, had once again saved the day. 

You might like to read Squirt's fantastic book: Reservoir Cats: True Stories and Cat's Eye Views from Squirt (aided by Squirt's Staff member - Penel Ashworth)

Available on Amazon Kindle: Reservoir Cats

Read the review here: Reservoir Cats

Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)

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