Dear friends and readers, the trials and tribulations of being a cat are many. I have spent a lot of time lately deep in thought (well, a cat has to do something when the weather is bad). I have considered, analysed, evaluated and re-evaluated my life. I have come to a conclusion.
It just ain’t good enough! With Valentine’s Day just round the corner it has dawned on me that I’m just not feeling the lurve.
Slowly but surely I have realised that Staff spends less than one hundred percent of her time on me. As a feline it is surely my right to be at the hub of everything she thinks and does. I am not, and this is not how things should be; it is quite simply unacceptable.
My demands are occasionally ignored.
My needs are only almost always met.
Things need to improve round here, and pretty damned quick.
So with great regret and a heavy heart I have come to a decision; she has got to go.
Discerning pedigree feline requires new Staff.
Housekeeper / personal assistant sought, to work on a full time basis. And boy, I really mean ‘full time’!
Duties to include but not be limited to:
· Feeding the employer, ensuring that bowls are scrupulously clean and food is fresh at all times.
· Removal of cat hairs from the furniture as and when necessary.
· Ensuring that the employer is not disturbed while he takes a nap.
· Occasional grooming of the employer but only when he feels gracious enough to allow this to be done.
· Providing entertainment for the employer in the form of toys. Also ensuring that the bird feeding station outside the window is always full. Keeping said window squeaky clean so that the employer can enjoy a good view of the birds.
· The v-e-t must not be mentioned in the presence of the employer.
· The employer must be allowed to sit wherever he pleases and to walk across the laptop keyboard should he wish to do so.
· Dead vermin in the kitchen must be tolerated.
· Working knowledge of Twitter and Tweetdeck necessary to enable the employer to keep in touch with his friends and manage his busy social life.
· An appreciation of the feline psyche and the ability to understand mews, meows and chirrups.
· A willingness to follow without question all orders and instructions as communicated by the above feline vocalisations.
· Between the end of September and the end of April the fire must be kept burning. The employer does not like a cold house. Should the outside temperature remain below zero for forty eight consecutive hours the employer must be given priority use of the electric blanket.
· The cat flap must be kept in perfect working order at all times.
Generous remuneration package will include comfortable accommodation in the employer’s house. Haughty appreciation will be bestowed when duties are properly carried out. Wages will be paid in the form of unlimited purrs and the occasional pose for a good photo.
Present incumbent need not apply.
Having read and reread the above advert I am faced with a dilemma. It occurs to me that what I have written is a fairly accurate description of Staff. To be fair to her I daresay she does lead a busy life, and I suppose I do get my share of her attention. And I do understand that there are other demands on her time, I don’t suppose I can begrudge the dogs a bit of it, or Manstaff come to that.
So what do I do? Do I kick her out in the hope of finding someone better? Or do I allow her to stay and try to understand that she does her best, even if it sometimes isn’t good enough? When I think about it Staff has been in my life since the very moment of my birth six years ago and I expect there is some truth in the saying “better the Devil you know”.
I think, being the gracious creature that I am, that I will give her a second chance. Just one. I will allow her to stay and use my feline wiles to ensure that she meets my requirements and lives up to my high expectations.
With Valentine’s Day on the horizon I must ask myself: do I love her? Yes, I suppose I do. One thing is certain, when I think about all that she does for me there is only one conclusion I can draw, she does love me, I’m sure of it.
Now, where is that ‘delete’ key?
You can see a review of Squirt's book here: Reservoir Cats