An open letter to Squirt from Chav Cat - a fallen feline

Dear Squirt

Chav Cat here. Gabion is in the kitchen seriously mulling over your reply whilst chomping his way through a dish of kibbles. deep in thought.

Dumpty and I have read your reply to him with mounting horror. Dumpty has now fallen over in a dead faint at your advice to Gabes about vets and tom cat danglies.

We ladies here at Tom Cat Towers love, nay, adore Saint Ben, and the more tom cat danglies he helps himself to the better. I understand he has quite a collection, and to be frank, good luck to him!

The tom cat snip is a real bargain at thirty-five quid considering all the damage he is saving us ladies from going through. We look forward to our trips to see the Sainted Ben; he compliments us on our appearance and keeps us in tip top condition - we cannot think of a bad word to say about any vet. However, ..........

I am speaking from personal experience here, Squirt, and must remonstrate with you on your advice to Gabion who is still very young, and to be honest rather stupid and vulnerable, as he is in much admiration of your advice and is determined to now hang onto his danglies.  He hasn’t got a clue what they are or the faintest idea as to what they are for.

But I speak from experience, as a victim of tom cat danglies and what they can do. I have to tell you Squirt, tom cat danglies can, and indeed, do RUIN a girlies life - FOREVER!!

I myself succumbed to tom cat danglies one night and I can assure you there were no words of seduction for me. No suggestion or promise of erotic activities to come. I was innocently chewing on a catnip bush when Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am as they say and I suddenly found myself with kitten from some ne-er’-do-well local moth-eaten, flea-ridden stray who was doing the rounds and forced himself upon me without so much as a by your leave. I never even got his name, although I have since come up with a few choice words for him.

Needless to say, this quick rumble under the bushes left me in an unfortunate position. My career was instantly put on hold as I swelled up with unwanted kittens which my human had to rehome. Then I went to see a vet and was spayed before being rehomed a couple of times before I eventually ended up at Tom Cat Towers.

My figure was ruined, it still is. My svelte lines are all wobbly and I have a saggy ‘kitten pouch’ which hangs down, flapping from side to side as I walk, and, as for my nipples – well, they are now ENORMOUS and stick out like chapel hat pegs!

My career as a top notch mouser and decimator of wildlife crashed to a halt and I still am not back to my previous fitness and killer levels after my moggy-maternity leave.

My life was ruined

Whilst I am not a feline-feminist, I feel that we ladies should have a choice and clearly my chosen method of birth control - sitting on top of a tree - was not fail safe from tom cat danglies and the horrors they can unleash. Therefore, I urge you Squirt to reconsider your advice to Gabion and make sure he presents himself to the Sainted Ben at the first opportunity to throw himself under the knife and have his male danglies removed at the utmost, urgent opportunity.

Also, whilst he still has them he is becoming bit of a pest.  It is not nice, and it not pleasant to find yourself with a young tom with his damp nose firmly clamped to your foofoo having a good sniff and a chuffle as you walk through the lounge to the kitchen for a quick snack. I know Dumpty will concur with this too!!  

The sooner he loses his danglies, the better!

Dear Chav Cat,

I must take issue with you on several counts.

You and Dumpty Nosybum call yourselves ladies?? As a cat of high breeding I can assure you that no lady would read a chap’s mail. That is unforgivable but no less than I would expect from you.

So you adore ‘Saint’ Ben do you? But you admit that he has quite a collection of tom cat danglies. That’s not what I would call the hobby of a sane person; sane people collect clocks, stickers or stamps. What does he do with his stolen danglies I wonder – dry them and cook them in a Willy Con Carne? I tell you the man is deranged, unhinged and dangerous and don’t you dare try and persuade poor innocent Gabion otherwise. I also have serious doubts about your maid. Who on earth would pay thirty-five quid to end up with considerably less (and I do mean considerably) than they started with?

Gabion may be young but he is neither stupid nor vulnerable. He showed great presence of mind by consulting me with his concerns and judging by your comments he was indeed very sensible to do so. I stand by every word of what I said to him. And he does now know what they are, what they are for and why he should keep them.

As for your “quick rumble under the bushes”, you say you did nothing to encourage the gent who so generously plied you with his attentions. Well, you would say that wouldn’t you! Personally I don’t believe a word of it. You females are all duplicitous creatures which is why we men must stick together over this and I daresay many other issues. So there! You can’t blame anyone but yourself for the fact that you are not back to hunting fitness after giving birth to sprogs. In fact, that’s the only part of your letter I believe thanks to the fact that you sent a picture of your ample rear view which does lend truth to what you say. Exercise my dear, exercise! You could start by moving a bit faster when Gabion decides to experiment with having a good sniff at you, then you wouldn’t need to complain about it.

So to conclude, Gabion must hang on to his danglies. He must have nothing to do with that evil, larcenous, so-called ‘Saint’ Ben. That is my final word on the matter and I will not be persuaded to change my views. I have written a secret, coded letter to Gabion who, by the time you read this, will be in no doubt as to your opinions or to ‘Saint’ Ben’s intentions of collecting Gabion’s danglies to use in some dubious culinary concoction. Gabion will be left in no doubt over the trustworthiness (or otherwise) of his housemates.

I remain firmly on Gabion’s side over this thorny issue and you will not, repeat not get the better of me or make me change my views.

Boy Power!

Solidarity!

Squirt

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