Hi Squirt

I was indulging in my absolute favourite pastime,’ Sneaky Sniffers’ whereby I rush up to Chav Cat and try and sniff under her tail. I also have a pop at Dumpty too. Sneaky sniffs are just such fun!!

If Chav cat’s walking away from me, I veer off at the very last moment before she can round on me, but if she’s asleep on a chair I sneak up and have a really good sly sniff before she springs into action. Most of the time she growls, hisses and spits. But if I time it wrong I get a really good thumping, which doesn’t deter me. I am addicted to sneaky sniffs!! Chav Cat is continually growling and hissing which is a bit spoil-sportish of her.

I don’t know what lady cats keep under their tails, but Squirt, let me tell you, the fragrance is most addictive to young chaps like myself!

I also try sneaky sniffs with Dumpty, but I just get an almighty dusting with her paws. She gets most indignant when I slither up towards her back end. For some reason. Lady cats think sneaky sniffs are ‘inappropriate’ However, I think sneaky sniffs are just the best fun ever and I do it hundreds of times a day. I’m so glad I invented such a great game.

Anyway, your coded letter arrived. Thank-you. However, being young and still a bit stupid, I couldn’t read it. So Chav Cat kindly said she that would interpret it for me, having first given it a once over which resulted in a very sly grin playing around her whiskers. She then gave a very obvious wink at Dumpty. (I thought I heard her mutter something about getting revenge for comments about being a porky-puss, but I may have misheard!)

Chav Cat said that your letter was a massive apology. That what you had advised before was wrong. Very wrong. You had been on the catnip and it had addled your mind. She said that your initial reply was written ‘under the influence’ and that I should ignore, completely, totally wipe it from my tiny mind what you had advised me. She said that you had lost sleep over the very bad advice that you had sent to me and that I should sit up and listen up to what was in your coded letter as it was VERY IMPORTANT that I followed your advice PRECISELY and URGENTLY no questions asked.

Hello_olaydees>have_you_seen_theseYour coded letter said that I should get myself off to my vet at the very earliest opportunity. To delay could be most dangerous for me and my boy bits. When I looked quizzical about this, Chav Cat asked if they were growing. Indeed, they were, 2 furry black globes that were filling out quite nicely, thank you very much. I was immensely proud of them, constantly giving them attention and showing them off to anyone who wanted a look. Chav Cat said that if unchecked they would grow and swell uncontrollably to enormous, nay, gigantic proportions and if not operated on by the vet as a matter of extreme urgency …  that they would EXPLODE without warning and that would be the end of me.

Needless to say I was most concerned. In fact, I was frightened witless and shocked to the core I sat down heavily on my little furry jewels. Squirt, how could you have got it soooo very wrong?

The very next day my new human mom scooped me up into my cat basket and off I went to see Saint Ben. Thank goodness! There wasn't a moment to lose.

My mom left me there and a lovely nurse put a little mask on my nose as I was given something rather unusual to smell which seemed to just knock me right out.

When I came round I was all woozy. My neck hurt a bit where I had been micro-chipped, whatever that means. But my rear end. Oh Squirt, let me tell you, me rear end hurt like billy-oh!!

My mom took me home and I was all wobbly, but I couldn’t sit down as my bum area hurt soooooo much.  I was given treats and spoiled, but I was in so much pain!! I had been given pain killers, but they just did not touch the agony. When I looked, thankfully, my two little furry black globes had disappeared. Thank heavens for that. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was so scared that I would wake up one morning to find them the size of footballs clanking along behind me, all taut and ready to go off with a massive bang!!

Oddly, since my operation, I seem to have lost all liking for sneaky sniffs.

Dumpty checks out the scarsSquirt, why is this? What can I do to pass my time without sneaky sniffs? I have hours of time whereby I’m just lying around watching the lady cats of Tom Cat Towers just sashay past and I mean sashay past since my op. As if they are taunting me. I have no interest in sneaky sniffs at all.  (Dumpty did come and check to assure me that they had gone, and she was most complimentary about Saint Ben's handiwork).

What is a young chap to do?

All advice from my completely brilliant hero Squirt who knows everything about everything and then some will be so very much welcomed.

Yours, most perplexed
Gabion Tzchugge
Tom Cat Towers

Catfucius he says ....  Never share with others what you would choose for yourself

Dear Gabe

Oh dear me.  You are young and inexperienced and have much to learn, my gullible young friend.  There are two parts to your question.  Firstly, there is your obsession with ‘sneaky sniffs’, then there is the fact that Chav Cat appears to have convinced you that I have lost my marbles.

I think we can deal with ‘sneaky sniffs’ first, and unfortunately this will be a short answer to your long question. Let me ask you something; since you visited the so-called ‘Saint’ Ben and threw yourself willingly under the knife your compulsion to sniff round Chav Cat and Dumpty Nosybum has lessened somewhat; why do you think this is?  The need to sniff round the female cats (I cannot bring myself to use the word ‘ladies’) in your house was directly influenced by what Chav refers to as your Tom Cat Danglies.  Now that you no longer have those once-prized appendages you will find that your need for an olfactory fix of rear end gradually fades away to nothing.

Have you learned nothing from me?  Why, oh why did you let Chav read my coded letter to you?  It was coded for a very good reason!  You cannot trust women.  You must not trust them, especially those two devious creatures you live with.  Rarely have I come across such trickery as they have employed against you.  Now let’s talk about what they have done.  I want you to be in no doubt that they duped you thinking that you had to visit ‘Saint’ Ben and have your man bits removed. 

One thing puzzles me, you wrote me a letter and I replied in code.  I had mistakenly thought that a young chap with the presence of mind to consult me would have been able to decipher a coded letter but clearly I was wrong.  Unfortunately, you let Chav Cat con you into letting her read it.  The sly grin, the wink, the mutterings about revenge, these should have given you a clue that Chav’s intentions were less than good.  Gabion, she didn’t read what I actually wrote, she made it all up!  With Dumpty Nosybum’s complicity!  You cannot believe a word either of them say!  I need to set a few things straight here:

1.    I was not under the influence of anything when I wrote my original reply to you.

2.    My advice to you re. ‘Saint’ Ben and his intentions, in fact vets in general, was sound and I stand by every word of it.

3.    Yes, your man bits were growing but they were not going to keep getting bigger and bigger until they eventually exploded!

My friend, you must wise up.  You must never forget that those two will play you for a fool at every opportunity to get what they want in life.  Frankly I find their behaviour scandalous but rest assured, you and I will pay them back for their deceit.  We will take our time, we will plan carefully and one of these days they will pay dearly for what they have done to you and for attempting to damage my excellent reputation as an Agony Cat.

Gab, there is one good thing to come out of this whole sorry experience, I am delighted to hear that you have been microchipped.  As far as I can see that’s the only sensible thing your human mum has done for you.  The microchip has your very own unique number on it so, should you ever stray and find yourself lost, the chip can be scanned and your home address will be linked to it so you can easily be returned to where you belong.  That’s one little glimmer of comfort that might lessen the shock of realising that you should have hung onto your man bits.

You ask what you can do to pass the time now that sniffing is losing its appeal.  The answer to that is easy!  You can spend your days dreaming up ways to get back at those devious females you share a home with!  It may not seem like much of an idea but, the more you dream of revenge, the more obsessed you will become with it (trust me, I know this to be true).  There is one more thing you can occupy yourself with and it’s something you can sniff.  Hoorah!  Have you discovered ‘nip yet?  It’s a highly desirable plant substance.  A few good sniffs of it makes a cat feel quite silly I can tell you!  Keep a stash handy and when the chips are down just take a good whiff of ‘nip and everything will feel much better.

Squirt weepingI feel in part to blame for your predicament because I should have foreseen the danger of sending you a coded reply.  In fact, I’ll be honest and say when I first read this letter from you I put my paw over my eyes and nearly wept in despair.    Please, in future, don’t let either of them get their paws on any replies you receive from me because that would inevitably lead to trouble.  Any further communication between you and me must be kept secret and strictly confidential.  When the two floozies are sashaying past you or giggling behind your back just ignore them.  They will hate that!  And they will be blissfully unaware that you may appear to be sleeping but you are actually plotting their downfall.  Hehehe!

Don’t hesitate to ask for help anytime you need it Gab, you know I’m always here, willing to listen and give advice.

Your friend,

Squirt

 

 

Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)