According to the national press, I am Britain’s most perfectly pampered puss. I would dispute that. The very poor levels of sloppy service I receive from the human I call ‘Maid’ make my whiskers curl with horror.
I shall soon have to do the kindest thing and have her put down, then move to somewhere more appropriate for a Royal Himalayan Lynx such as myself. Buckingham Palace would be ideal!
However, it was through this clearly tongue in cheek newspaper article that I was introduced to Cat Hampurrs and Kelly. I insisted that Kelly went to the place Maid calls work to talk about Cat Hampurrs and what they do. Maid works as a radio presenter at Stafford Radio in the Broadeye Windmill so I listened with great interest to the interview whilst reclining on my designer Lulu Guinness duvet, inspecting my claws, and thinking about my next entry in Dumpty’s Diaries which are uploaded onto www.thedailymews.com as an example to other felines on how to cope living with inadequate humans.
I used to be an international film star who appeared in a cat meat advert. I was lauded as Her Royal ‘Mewness’ and got tons of fan mail. I wrote about my experiences in ‘Dumpty’s Diaries’, then further tales from the cat walk, ‘Mewsings, Thoughts of Her Royal Mewness’ which you can find on www.thedailymews.com (which, incidentally, is THE best cat website in the world.)
Due to popular demand, I am now currently composing ‘Snoozles from my Designer Duvet’.
I employed Maid to service my every whim, pamper me at all times and organise my social diary. Sadly, Maid has never even attempted to achieve even the very lowest of the very high levels of service I command and life here at Tom Cat Towers can be very frustrating as I try to get my twenty three and a half hours undisturbed ‘beauty snoozles’ in.
Maid seems to have no sense of adventure when out buying things for me. It’s just the same old, same old stuff from the supermarket. So imagine my delight when a Cat Hampurr then arrived on my duvet!
I gave it a sniff. There were things inside that got me quite excited, so it was with much impatience I sat there with my purr in overdrive with anticipation and my tail flicking in anger whilst waiting for Maid to open the box for me.
Well, I thought it was Christmas! There were all sorts of goodies to tempt me, tumbling out of the box and onto the bed. I didn’t know which one to look at first, such was my excitement; crunchy cat kibbles, liver pate in a tube, treats and best of all a catnip mouse.
Such fun trying out each goodie. I never knew that there was such a wide range of things out there that were made just for me; treats, foods, toys, all sorts of goodies of a very high standard which meet with my regal approval. I was quite bowled over. I even drooled, most unladylike behaviour!
Maid is currently on the human version of catnip, red wine. I do sometimes allow her a break from the 24/7 service I demand but I do think she takes advantage. Especially after a bottle of the stuff and I have to lie next to her as she snores and grumbles all night on the corner of my bed which I graciously allow her to share with me. Then the next morning service is delayed as she has to have a mug of very strong coffee to kick start her back into her slovenly ways.
I shall pencil in my social diary an appointment for Cat Hampurr to come to Tom Cat Towers and visit me. A rare and much sought after invitation!! I now even have my own official photographer these days, Paul Milgate, so I expect an official record of the occasion will appear on the internet very soon.
I may even sack my useless Maid and ask Cat Hampurrs to become my personal full time staff and ensure that a constant stream of fabulous treats such as these are continually appearing on my designer duvet!
It’s time for me to slink off the bed and amble, via the front door in case another Cat Hampurr has fallen onto the mat, and into the kitchen where I will lie in my grit box for 10 minutes, do nothing then have a mad session scratching round ensuring cat grit is thrown all around the kitchen. From the volume of noise Maid makes when she sees this, I think tidying up is her favourite past time!!
Kind regards
Her Royal Mewsness Dumpty
Snooty Pantaloons
Tom Cat Towers
To listen to Kelly’s (from Cat Hampurr) interview with Carol on Stafford Radio, please click on the link. I listened to the show and it was great –
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRT3fDFifMQ
You can find Cat Hampurr on Facebook:
Twitter: @CatHampurr
Website: www.cathampurr.co.uk
Dogs Come when Called
"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."
"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."
Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)
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